A while back I was invited to write something for the blog and in typical Pixi fashion ….I almost forgot, so much like a child with a homework assignment I am doing this the day before so be patient with me. I have a good excuse however! I swear! I have been hard at work on the follow up to my last book Diary of a Bad Mother and Crappy Housewife. The new book will be called Get the Dog Out of Your Pants and will have the return of the main character Jen Philips but this time, instead of a chronological account of her misadventures as a wife and mother, it will be more of a conversation between the insane Jen and her sister Donna, who’s sense of humor is just as nutty but with a wry twist.
I'm having a blast doing it since the characters are based on my four children who range in age from 19 to 6 and the new book will include my three gorgeous Nephews and their misadventures as well.
I am also the Author of Bringing Joey Home, a fictional account of real life events. It is my first book, and to be perfectly honest, something I wrote for me, a kind of therapy to purge out some of the hurt surrounding my best friend’s accident and brain injury and the ever popular subject of dealing with inlaws that belong on the Jerry Springer show. Or, if you're in the UK.. Jeremy Kyle. All Proceeds from Bringing Joey Home go to the Charity Group Hunters Helping Hunters in loving Memory of my friend and brother in law John. He would not only be proud of what I have done, but he would want me telling his story. Johnny was the type of guy who would think if his story could save just ONE person the heartache of going through what his brother and I did, then it’s worth shouting from the rooftops.
Don’t get the wrong idea, it’s not a complete tear jerker, my brand of bedside manner isn’t to stand wringing my hands in despair, the very first words my Very New Jersey Self said when seeing him in a coma in Virgina said to him were :Ok Fucko, you got me to buttfuck Virginia, wake the hell up and entertain me. Do it quickly now, I think I hear Duelling Banjos.
So now that the preliminaries are out of the way I shall astound you with my wit and charm. No, not really.. But I will share a couple of my Daily Rants with you. I run the Page Diary of a Bad Mother and Crappy Housewife here on Facebook and I do TRY and write one every day about whatever bee I have in my bonnet. Lately spending my time Writing, rewriting, and editing.. its more like once a week, but I DO TRY. I have plucked out two of my favorites for your viewing pleasure. I know I know, bad form to recycle when I was invited to do something on someone else’s page, but since most of you aren't on my page they are TECHNICALLY new to you! Sit Back, Enjoy two of my fan’s favorites.. THE MOM PURSE and AUTOMATED PHONE CALL HELL, and be aware I rate my rants R for strong language and Naked Truths!
~ Love and Kisses ~ Pixi
***RANT OF THE DAY***
I'm not going out to eat with my mother anymore. We didn't have much choice today, about a half hour before she got here the power went out.. and because she is on weight watchers .. SHE WANTS HER SCHEDULED MEALS god damnit.. if she doesn't get her point intake you run the risk of her going cannibal.. seriously.. I didn't like the way she was eyeballing me up.. I kinda felt like when you are watching cartoons .. and one of the characters are hungry so they look at another character and they have turned into a T-Bone steak.. ya digging me here? I FELT LIKE A FUCKING STEAK.. for real .. I saw her drool .. she cant deny it!
So we go to IHOP.. both order Omelets and tea. The tea arrives and instead of reaching over for a packet of sugar from the dispenser... she reaches in her 80 lb purse and pulls out a baggie full of LOW CAL SUGAR.. seriously.. I felt like I was having lunch with a Columbian drug kingpin who brought their own coke to the party. WHY THE FUCK would you bring your own sugar to Ihop? That's like bringing your own toilet paper when you go out .. who the fuck does that?
Then you have the pill collection. I'm not talking honest to goodness meds here .. she isn't SICK... but she has to take her Lactaid tab so she can eat .. in case the Omelet has CHEESE in it. Seriously, you have never seen anything like this its a phenomenon we have been trying to understand since we were kids .. if Ma so much as TOUCHES cheese *shudder* lets just say the return journey home I'd have been hanging my head out the window like a golden retriever.
What is up with MOM purses anyway.. its like you give birth and all of the sudden your cute little handbag turns into Mary Poppins bag. WHAT?.. you need a band aid? *sticks arm in MOM bag to the elbow* Here you go dear .. do you want some neosporin too?.. Oh You're hungry?.. Here have half a cookie! Just pull the bits of fluff off it its still good.. Dude .. EVERYTHING is in those mother fuckers. I think my mother carries a Mini fridge in hers. The reason you don't hear it clunking around is because its cushioned by the 45 tissues in there. And Mother .. I know you're reading this .. I don't care if my nose is running off my face.. Id rather wipe it on my sleeve than use one of your purse tissues...
Back in the days before the big 'M' hit you also had a full out supply of feminine hygiene products in that bad boy.. OH you got your period? What do you want? Tampon? Pad? Midol? Vagisil? I mean YEAH it saved my ass when Oldest Daughter was born and they handed me a maxi pad that needed to be used with a BELT.. OK.. holding up for a second on that.. WHAT THE FUCK kind of stone age torture device is that anyway? A fucking hyfter belt? Its like a rag chastity belt.. how in the FUCK was I supposed to know how to use the fucking thing.. ESPECIALLY doped out of my gourd on Demerol? I mean hell, they could have handed me a shaved monkey instead of an infant at that point and I'd have never known... anyway .. back on subject.. She reached into her Mary Poppins magic bag and pulled out REAL maxi pads .. in EVERY SIZE from panty liner to HOLY FUCK CAPTAIN HERE's YOUR CROTCH TOURNIQUET.. for real it was like she had a mini drug store in there!
She also apparently carries a full arsenal of glasses in there. We got the Sun Glasses .. TWO PAIR .. yanno in case one of them breaks .. I mean if she is driving down the road and her sunglasses spontaneously combust off her face , HAVE NO FEAR she wont crash from the glare THERE ARE THE SPARES!.. and then you have the regular prescription glasses .. and the 'cheaters' which are those old lady magnifying glasses you can get at Walmart to make reading easier.. Ive actually SEEN this woman use all of these glasses in succession.. it freaks me out.. Remove sunglasses .. dig in purse to find cheater glasses.. so you can SEE down the black hole of the handbag to find Regular glasses..
Then you have the calculator and the HUGE envelope of Coupons .. I don't know why she carries all these coupons I really don't .. it goes one of two ways.. either she has FORGOTTEN the coupon at home for whatever it is she is trying to buy .. or she FINDS the damn coupon and then realises that its fucking expired .. EVERY TIME.. WITHOUT FAIL.
Yes.. I'm peeking in Hells Handbag as I type this .. why you ask? Because it cracks me up.. She has Gas Tabs in there.. because SOMETIMES the Lactaide tablets alone don't work .. Yes she can see me doing this.. its OK .. she's laughing. There is her wallet.. STUFFED to the gills with bonus savings cards from 400 stores.. C'mon Ma .. you don't shop THAT much do you? 3 Pens .. none of them work . .. Two packs of Gum .. and several foil gum wrappers.. because she might not be near a garbage to spit it out.. (yes she explains this stuff to me as I pull it out like I'm retarded) Her Cell phone ..(but don't call her on it .. she wont answer the thing unless she has already used it today she doesn't want to pay the daily rate unless she has to) An iPod AND an MP3 Player (I think its the same principal as the glasses.. what if one breaks!)
You know that expression, everything but the kitchen sink? THAT'S a Mom purse.. the whole reason I refused to carry a purse is BECAUSE I don't want a MOM purse .. But there is just too much shit for me to carry in my hand. Cell Phone.. Smokes.. Wallet.. lighter.. Fuck .. I'm doomed.. its just a matter of time before my awesome Jack Skelington purse starts filling up with old receipts wadded around gum and 47 coupons to Michaels Arts and Crafts ...shoot me in the face .. please?
***PIXI RANT OF THE DAY***
IF I EVER find the person who invented PHONE AUTOMATION HELL .. I can promise you, I will get away with murder. There is NO FUCKING WAY a jury of 12 of my peers will EVER agree that killing the douchebag who took away speaking to an ACTUAL person is NOT Justifiable homicide..
PRESS ONE FOR ENGLISH... fuck you. IF I am calling the Electric Company in the next town.. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO PRESS FUCKING 1 FOR ENGLISH. I have NOT moved to Outer Mongolia... last time I CHECKED I was in NJ. WE SPEAK ENGLISH HERE. WHY do I have to PRESS 1 for fucking English. The ASSUMPTION should be that I AM English, anyone who does NOT speak English should have to worry about that shit not me. Its not MY problem. EVERY OTHER IMMIGRANT has had to LEARN English.. there is no Press 2 for Italian, or German, or Chinese, or Arabic or French.. and I LOVE my Latina friends but seriously .. THAT SHIT PISSES ME OFF! I am a lazy cow.. I don't WANT to take that extra step. AND if I'm calling from my cell phone .. I stand there like a dipshit doing the harlem shake with my phone trying to quickly bring it BACK to the phone screen so I can hit the dial pad button .... so I can press 1.. to get to the NEXT menu .. which is also numerically activated and I have to repeat the process... STOP FUCKING WITH ME!
After running through the 'options menu' when you make a call.. they send you to *SHOCKED FACE* another options menu: If you are calling about your service press 1, If you are calling to make an adjustment to your bill press 2, if you are calling because we fucked something up and would like to blame you for it press 3, If it is none of the above, stay on the line and a customer service representative will be with you shortly...
That LAST one is a scam. The fastest way to get disconnected is to let it be KNOWN you want to speak to an actual LIVE human being. You will sit on hold for 25 minutes listening to the musac version of Michael Bolton's greatest hits, periodically interrupted by that same DOUCHEBAG voice from the menu options saying : PLEASE CONTINUE TO HOLD ALL OF OUR REPRESENTATIVES ARE BUSY WITH OTHER CALLS, YOU'RE CALL IS IMPORTANT TO US, WE APOLOGIZE FOR THE WAIT. Listen Bitch .. if my fucking call was important to you .. YOU WOULD PICK UP THE FUCKING PHONE. My calls are important to my Grandma .. she doesn't make me wait 45 minutes to speak to her live.... ANSWER THE COCK SUCKING PHONE! And JUST when you THINK it cant possibly be much LONGER a wait... and you start humming along with Michael to ~when I'm back on my feet again ~ You hear a CLICK.. and you get all exited ... and realise THE BASTARD AUTOMATED SYSTEM JUST FUCKING HUNG UP ON YOU AND YOU HAVE TO START OVER! FUUUUUUUUCK!!!!!!!
NEVER go for the 'live representative' on the first try.
Then there are these ones that you speak to .. OH MY GOD! The quickest way to get me to mash my fucking head into the wall is to get one of these bastards. The conversations go like this :
Automation: Please speak your question into the phone.
Me: I would like to change my service
Automation: I'm sorry, I did not understand that option. Did you mean you wanted to pay your bill.
Me: No
Automation: Please speak your question into the phone
Me: I would like to change my service
Automation: I'm sorry, I did not understand that option, did you mean you wanted to cancel your service....
Me: NO!
Automation: Please speak your question into the phone ...
Me: I ............WOULD........... LIKE ..........TO......... CHANGE........ MY .........SERVICE
Automation: Transferring you to a live Spanish speaking representative.
Me: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Its HELLISH! I would rather douche with battery acid then deal with this shit. WHO THOUGHT THIS WAS A GOOD IDEA! Its not! You cant even get an operator on directory assistance anymore! AND You call 4-1-1 to get a number... THERE ARE FUCKING COMMERCIALS.. on 4-1-1! FUCK YOU.. I'll use a phone book you bastards!
THEN.. after HOURS of pressing numbers... and waiting.. and getting hung up on.. and shitty music... YOU GET TO AN ACTUAL Person... and THEY Don't speak English.. I don't know if they speak Spanish either, but fuck a duck ... there is NO WAY the person on the other end of that line is named 'Bill' .. You aren't fooling me with your 'Bill' .. you are NOT sitting in the 'call center' two towns over.. your name is Aahlaad... and you are happily sitting in some room in India driving people batshit. I get it its your job.. but you KNOW these fuckers HAVE to be getting some perverse pleasure out of KNOWING we cant understand what they are saying. I Would. Id laugh my ass off fucking with people for HOURS on end...
Sometimes I think they can hear you. No I'm not paranoid. I just think.. if they record you while you are talking to their live representative...they MUST be recording you for the previous 45 minutes while you manically hit buttons and scream into the phone like a drunk wife beating redneck. You are on 'hold' all that time because they are sitting around that call center with your call blasting listening to you curse at the Automated Voice .. THEY HAVE TO BE!
Have you ever made one of these calls.. get through all the bullshit, find a person who's accent is audible... and THEN they tell you their computers are down, they cant access your account .. please wait. LISTEN BUDDY.. REPLACE THE HAMSTER ON YOUR COMMODORE 64 AND SORT MY SHIT OUT .. I have better things to fucking do then play phone tag all day with you douchebag, Like clean my earholes with bleach to get the fucking Michael Bolton out of my head.. I JUST WANT TO UPGRADE MY GOD DAMN PLAN!
I mean, yeah, we all kind of have our own Automated system .. its called VOICE MAIL. I'll be perfectly honest here. I hate that shit too. My LAST Cellphone I refused to even set it up. If I don't answer.. your beat.. fuck you. When Hubby bought me this one.. he let the geeks at Best Buy set it up and the dumb shits activated my voicemail... Fuck you .. Im a rebel.. I WILL NOT BE HOUNDED.. the only reason I check that shit is to get rid of the little icon at the top of my screen.. I don't LISTEN to the messages .. I just press 7. If I didn't answer you when you called its because a.) I didn't want to talk to you or b.) I was sleeping and sleep trumps phone every time. My Outgoing message spells it out pretty fucking clear......This is Col, You can leave a message if you want, but I never check the shit so I probably wont call you back...... see.. open, honest, and STILL PEOPLE LEAVE VOICEMAIL... look.. you know who you are ... you KNOW me better than this... THERE ARE NO EXCEPTIONS... if I don't call you right back after a missed call.. either I'm pooping or Girl 2 has my phone and isn't going to TELL me you called cause then she will be caught... YOU KNOW THIS. Leaving me a 10 minute message is NOT going to do anything but drive me batshit as I frantically try and remember the voice mail code! IT COULD BE WORSE.. I could answer the phone while I'm pooping ... or you could have to SPEAK to girl 2 who's conversations revolve around Justin Beiber, Glitter and Wait what OMG.......
Pixi's Facebook page https://www.facebook.com/pages/Diary-of-a-bad-Mother-and-crappy-housewife/372204156221124
Bringing Joey Home
This is a story of Friendship and Love. When Coleen's best friend who happens to be her Brother in law is in a horrible accident, she does everything she can to help him recover. She starts a ride on the Traumatic Brain Injury roller coaster fighting against Injury, illness and inlaws to try and bring him from Virginia to New Jersey to help him get better all while maintaining a healthy sense of humor and strength enough for everyone.
Diary of a Bad Mother and Crappy Housewife
The Anti-Soccer Mom isn't afraid to tell all. Flipping off the PTA, running through the store dressed as wonder woman for Tampons, Jen Philips has done it all. If it can go wrong and it involved children, Jen has done it with flair, someday she will figure out why there is Jelly on the living room ceiling but until then she is just happy wearing her crown as the world's worst mother and housewife. So maybe its just a pee stained Toilet seat she puts on her head as a tiara, so what, its hers and she owns it!
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